What it felt like being depressed. And living to tell the tale.
A deep introspective of my experience with depression.
How I became depressed.
For me, I think it was hereditary. Pretty bulk standard. I had achieved most societal standards deemed to produce happiness. Career, house, car, loving partner, dog. All of that. And was still depressed.
(This is what it felt like to be depressed after meeting most societal standards. This small clip here by Jack Stauber)
Makes you realize. You can be depressed with lots of money. And you can be depressed with zero money. Depression doesn’t give a fuck if you are rich or poor. Black white. It isn’t sexist. It isn’t racist. Or a bigot. It doesn’t care about social class. If you are educated or not educated. It doesn’t care if you just won lotto. Or shagged Rihanna. It doesn’t care about anything.
It spins a wheel and it lands on whoever it stops on.
And the wheel landed on me.
What it’s like being depressed
For me, it felt like I fell into a well.
And I was in there for years trying to get myself out. I developed negative coping mechanisms; I would do anything and everything to try and not feel depressed. I over-gamed, Over ate. Over slept. Or the opposite not sleep at all. Sometimes I’d be bedridden. I would overdrink. I would avoid social activities.
Having depression for so long. I thought my whole being was this now. The depression had morphed me into this shell of a person. Sometimes it would feel like a dark cloud was above my head everywhere I went.
I even thought I had mastered it. Like it was some grand fucking game. I knew all the plays. I could never be fooled as I was the master. So when I met other men who behaved like me. I could tell they were depressed without them even showing it. It’s like I could peek under their mask. As I had the same mask on. It was like a superpower that no one ever wished for or wanted. But I thought it was me. And this is my little superpower.
However, as the years with this burden continued. It started to take its toll on me. It’s like carrying a weighted vest on you everywhere you go.
I legit wouldn’t care if I had died. I just wanted the depression to stop.
Through that burden; I became extremely suicidal. And I’d tiptoe with it. I used to think people who were suicidal were strange. But I didn’t know how overbearing depression can be until I experienced it. And being in it for so long. All you want is to be released of this burden that’s on you. Just to climb out of the well. To clear the cloud hanging over your head. I then understood why people became suicidal. It’s like an intrusive thought will hit your mind out of nowhere. And you start ruminating on it. I used to wonder if it was my brain telling me that its time to press the permanent factory off button. To shut everything down, as the brain is sick of feeling sad. Like it also wanted out too. The brain is a powerful force.
Thank god I didn’t follow through.
Just stop being depressed?
My question to this is always;
Why don’t homeless people just buy a house?
It’s easy to sit on the outside and almost see it as something illogical. But if you haven’t experienced it. It’s insanely hard to understand it. It’s like you have to be down in the trenches to know what it’s like in the trenches. Most people on the outside will say things like; Just go to the gym. Be with family. Go for a walk. Eat more healthily. Spend time with family or people you love. Listen to a podcast.
And you just sit there like………
I understand that people only want to help. But sometimes I would feel it was more a way for them to not feel bad about my depression and how it was affecting the vibe. As it’s easy to say these things. But in reality, for me, none of those aspects worked.
My most heard line was;
“Well if you need anyone to talk to I’m here” — Which is awesome don’t get me wrong. But it’s like you know when there’s a school shooting at an American School. Everyone goes “Sending thoughts and prayers” It’s like a filler sentence almost. As it’s a knee-jerk reaction. And I would always just take it as is. I know they care about me. But I ain’t finna talk about my depression to you. And if I did I would feel like a burden. So that phrase is like a double-edged sword almost.
So how did you stop being depressed?
- Medication medication medication!
- A good support network!
Look I understand everyone is different and this path might not work for everyone. I’m not a doctor so I don’t know. But Medication specifically SSRIs (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) got me out of the well I was in and it removed the cloud over me. This immensely worked for me. I owe my whole living life to medication and the support network I had. (My then partner and a good friend of mine. I owe them so much.)
Through this transformation;
I no longer over-eat. Over sleep. Over drink. Over anything. It’s all in moderation. I’m not scared of crowds or have social anxiety anymore. I can hold conversations. Focus at work. Sleep like a baby. All good shit a normal person who isn’t depressed would do.
I love it. I have a new lease on life. I want to live! Life is worth living for!
Conclusion
Any man or woman out there. Going through a solo ride with depression. Depression is no joke and if you need help. People will always wanna help you. Or see and tell your doctor. Who cares if you have to be vulnerable it’s a small price to pay for your life. Just know that if a monkey brain like myself can get out of depression. Anyone can do it.
Or take baby steps, and set goals that can get you into a better place. Your depression isn’t you. It’s just a chemical imbalance in the brain. And that can be fixed. Trust me I did it.
And lastly, get a good support network around you. You dont know how much a good support team can greatly impact your mental health. I understand that you dont wanna feel like a burden. But they would rather help than have to deal with the aftermath of pressing the permanent off button.
Anyone can get out of the well.
Live life.
