My journey to learning emotional growth as a man and the gaps I encountered.

I wish I had learned these when I was younger.

Or someone had taught me.

I straight up just had to learn this shit the hard way.

I feel as men we aren’t taught how to be open or deal with our emotions.

We were told as men that emotions are a weakness.

Whoever said that is just a fucking insecure weak person.

Not knowing how and why you feel emotions or how to deal with them negatively affects men’s mental health and leads to men’s suicide.

I will show some Emotional Strategies I learned through personal experience.

That has greatly helped me be a better person.

Emotional Capacity

Emotional Capacity is the ability to hold space for negative feelings, sad feelings, negative emotions, negative experiences, and past trauma.

From a personal example;

When I was in high school, I was insecure in myself.

School wasn’t a fun experience for me.

And some aspects of home life weren’t great either.

To cope with this I became an avoidant. (Avoids anything negative)

I’d push negative experiences aside. And suppress it.

I got so good at this that I thought it healed the trauma.

However, it didn’t heal it at all.

It just became a scab that bled when poked and prodded.

I then noticed I started forgetting key events and memories from high school and my teenage years.

And that was because I had tried so hard to erase the bad memories.

I subsequently also erased some of the good memories.

As I got older and started to gain more confidence in myself. And through self-awareness.

I realized what I had done as a teenager overall avoiding experiences I hated, negatively impacted my emotions and memories.

So through Emotional Awareness.

I started expanding my Emotional Capacity.

And the way to expand this is to;

Hold space for negative experiences, negative thoughts, negative emotions

So instead of avoiding it.

You now take that bad emotional feeling, memory, and or thought

and sit with it.

You let your body feel every inch of it.

It might hurt at the start.

But eventually, like any feeling.. it passes.

(I’m a big fan of the animated series Avatar the Last Airbender and Legend of Korra.

There is a great scene where Avatar Korra speaks with her past villain who gave her trauma.

Due to the plot, the villain helps Korra and teaches her Emotional Capacity

He shows here that if you make space for the negative experiences in your life you will ultimately grow past it. Link here)

I also like to think of it like you’re taking that first plunge into cold water.

and your body is in initial shock.

A huge tingle overcomes your body.

However, after you climatize to the water.

You’re fine. And the feeling has passed.

Try it next time a negative memory or thought enters your mind again.

it will help improve your Emotional Capacity.

bad feelings, memories, experiences, and emotions shouldn’t be seen as negative.

They are room for growth just as much as positive feelings.

(I also understand some trauma can’t be fixed by letting it sit. And trauma is relative to everyone. However Emotional Capacity is a healthy way to help.)

If you don’t practice this you may become Emotionally Stunted.

Emotionally Stunted.

This is not a good thing to have.

This is when your Emotional Capacity hasn’t been given room to grow.

(The flowers have stopped receiving water.)

Because of zero emotional growth, you become stuck in an immature state.

They call this the Peter Pan effect.

(As Peter Pan is a child who never grows up)

So if I hadn’t started my growth in Emotional Capacity I would most probably still be a Lost Boy in Peter Pans Neverland.

Bad effects of being Emotionally Stunted.

You can become extremely reactive to negative emotions or negative feedback and or criticism.

Leading to impulses and negative coping mechanisms.

Such as creating false narratives to help cope with bad memories and interactions.

Or even memory loss like I experienced as a Teenager.

Have you noticed when you are dealing with an Emotionally Stunted individual they warp or exaggerate certain parts of a story to help fit their narrative? (To make themselves feel better about a negative situation.)

Even if you experienced it firsthand and know the truth.

This technique by the Emotionally Stunted individual is a coping mechanism due to the lack of Emotional Capacity.

They hate the negative feeling so much they suppress and patch the wound quickly with a plaster.

However, they haven’t cleaned the wound at its core or disinfected the wound beforehand.

Meaning the wound will never be fully healed.

Another coping mechanism you could develop due to lack of Emotional Capacity.

You can have this massive negative void growing in you.

So you develop a coping mechanism where you try and replace the void with something else.

However, because the void is bigger than the replacement.

The void will always win in the end.

It’s why some try and replace the void with alcohol. Socialising. Clubbing. Gambling. Over gaming. Overeating etc.

Anything other than feeling a negative memory, experience, or thought.

And remember we are not our trauma.

Now do you see why Emotional Capacity is so important to not being Emotionally Stunted?

Emotional Awareness

This is when you have the ability and awareness of your feelings and why.

You understand your emotional triggers.

Instead of acting out impulsively.

You develop techniques that allow you to maintain your emotions.

Emotional awareness is also understanding the feelings of others and why they are feeling this way.

These are both key components of Emotional Intelligence.

From a personal experience;

Due to having bipolar.

I’m becoming more aware of when I’m hypomanic and more aware of when I’m depressed.

Some techniques I use to soften the blow of these emotions;

When hypomania is coming on I can almost feel a tingle in my whole body.

My Emotional Awareness kicks in.

So instead of being reactive, I let the Hypomania partly take me.

I like to think I’m standing in the whitewash on the beach and I let the wave push me.

However instead of letting the wave overpower me.

I brace.

And because I have braced.

I don’t act out impulsively.

And I go on with my day.

When depression is coming on. Emotional Awareness allows me to feel that my mood has shifted.

So as a technique, I usually go for a walk. Or go to the gym. Or I will just cry. Letting the feeling pass.

I find clarity in a walk. Endorphins from the gym help in my overall depressive state. Crying helps due to Emotional Capacity.

A massive benefit of having Emotional Awareness.

You become better at communicating how you are feeling and why.

When I was a teenager because I lacked Emotional Awareness

It started to affect my anxiety.

Because I couldn’t articulate what I was feeling.

And lastly, probably the worst of them all is that it can lead to disassociation.

this is when your body and mind aren’t connected.

it’s like when you are so angry at something.

It overtakes your whole mind. You are in such a rage.

And finally, when you’ve calmed down you notice you left a punched hole in the wall.

And you almost forgot why you were even angry in the first place.

Your mind was so clouded with anger your body acted out of impulse and you didn’t notice the hole until it was over.

This is why Emotional Awareness is such an important part of self-growth.

Emotional Regulation

For me. When I’m feeling overwhelmed with feelings. Negative or positive

I breathe through my nose and out my mouth.

And I make sure I’m aware of what I’m feeling.

Using Emotional Capacity and Emotional Awareness

I almost think it’s like I’m purging in and out the feelings and letting them run all through my body.

I’m regulating my emotions.

Sometimes even when I’m depressed. I will cry. And I will let the emotion overcome me. So I can properly regulate it.

Instead of suppressing it and it coming out in an unappealing way or impulsively.

I have allowed the emotion to regulate through my body.

I have let it flow through me like a river.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is the encapsulation of all the techniques I mentioned.

Emotional Capacity. The room for negative and positive feelings.

Emotional Awareness. Why someone or you are feeling this way,

Emotional Regulation. Letting emotions flow through your body to help regulate the feelings.

Positive and Negative feelings.

It’s understanding how and why your emotions can affect yourself and the people around you.

It’s being aware of other people’s emotions and feelings.

It’s reading between the lines.

Seeing nuance.

Reading grey areas.

You might notice a shift in someone’s energy. So you ease your way into a conversation with them.

It’s when someone is angry. You can take a step back and understand why this person is angry. Instead of just being reactive and meeting fire with fire.

High Emotional Intelligent people are magnets to be around. Because you can feel they are aware of how they are feeling and how they are affecting everyone around them. They aren’t reactive to constructive criticism. They aren’t reactive to anything negative. They are nice, warm, open, and don’t negatively criticize others. They are aware of the words they are using that reflect the people around them. Their words and actions are always aligned.

I am working to become like this.

In Conclusion.

Remember feelings are meant to be felt.

You are not your trauma.

We have to experience the positive and negative experiences of life.

Emotions are a part of the human experience.

I truly hope someone finds value in some of these strategies.

So it can help unlock your true emotional potential.