How I discovered I have Bipolar

(Reader discretion. Talks of suicide)

Before getting into it.

Let me explain what Bipolar is.

Bipolar is high highs low lows.

Two ends of the spectrum.

Bi being two. Polar being a spectrum.

The spectrum on each end is depression and hypomania (extreme happiness)

There are also two different types of Bipolar.

There's Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2

Bipolar 1 is more severe. You have depressive episodes. And also manic episodes where you do things you wouldn’t normally do to the extreme. Stupid ideas sound like great ideas.

I like to think of it as your brain is the driver and you’re the passenger.

Bipolar 2 has less severe manic episodes. We have depressive episodes. But our high highs aren’t as extreme. We have what’s called hypomanic episodes. Which is when everything feels amazing like you’re on MDMA and LSD. And you might do something out of the ordinary if not properly controlled or medicated.

This period of hypomania lasts for a few days (weeks depending on the person) then dips back into depressive episodes and back and forth.

Think of the ebb and flow of the tide on a beach.

Back and forth, happy than sad.

Most of the in-between feelings are somewhat level.

So I have Bipolar 2.

How it started:

For 4–5 years I was heavily depressed.

So heavy. I became extremely suicidal.

I lived with my partner at the time in an apartment block. We lived on the top floor.

Due to the sadness. I would fantasize about jumping off the balcony.

Two times I almost jumped.

First time:

I was standing on the railings. It was such an out-of-body experience it scared me and I fell back on my feet on the balcony. I hyperventilated and cried myself to sleep.

Second time:

Me and my partner were watching a movie. And the whole time I was ruminating in my head about just walking out on the balcony and jumping off.

But I remember thinking “I can’t do this in front of her”

So out of the blue while we were watching the movie. I burst out crying.

She looked at me confused.

I told her “I'm scared I'm gonna jump off the balcony. Please don't let me. Please”

She held me tight and said, “You’ll be ok.”

Over and over again.

After that second episode.

(In hindsight this is a depressive low from Bipolar 2)

I then realized. Yeah, I need help. Serious help.

Seeing the doctor:

That week I booked to see a GP.

They make you do a test to see if you have anxiety and or depression. It’s pretty arbitrary and it does seem kind of draconic in that it seems like something they did in medieval times before the invention of electricity or something.

(I guess measuring a mental illness would be difficult in and of itself.)

So you get asked questions and you answer them on a scale of 1–5

It will be like:

Do you like walks on the beach?

I go “Well yes who doesn't like a walk on the beach? Il go a 5”

Then the next question will be like

“Do you think the world would be a better place without you in it and your family and friends would be happier without the thought of you in it?”

And I said, “Wow wow wow wow wtf is that question?”

Then I paused and said “Uhhh yeah I do think it would be better off.

Yeah, I do. So yeah a 5?!”

After that test, my GP then obviously marked me down as having extreme anxiety and depression.

I remember looking at the verdict and going

“I am not surprised. I am fucked”

So as most GPs and Doctors do to depressed people.

They shove anti-depressants down your throat.

So she gave me anti-depressants.

My brain on anti-depressants:

The titration stage of being on anti-depressants. Is insane.

Takes months. I’d say I leveled out after about 5–6 months on them.

I felt like I was going through a mental volcano.

And being made new.

My brain was constantly on fire for months due to the medication.

But what got me through was the thought:

“The other side can’t possibly be worse than before”

After I leveled out my brain stopped burning.

The suicidal thoughts were completely gone.

My anxiety was completely gone.

I had higher self-esteem.

I went back to my GP for a check-up

I re-did the test.

And all my answers were either a 0 or a 1.

I remember my GP saying “I think you’re cured?!”

And I said, “Wow that's insane?!”

Walking out of the doctor’s feeling like Superman.

My brain during hypomania through being on anti-depressants:

I could see everything so clearly.

The grass was insanely greener.

I like to use this metaphor for the change in my brain.

During my depression.

It was like my brain was a desert.

A dried-up river. Zero life.

After taking anti-depressants:

It was like it torrentially rained for months.

Then life came back to the river.

Fish started appearing.

Insects. Flora and fauna.

An enormous ecosystem had developed.

I felt insanely alive.

Every stimulus was enhanced x1000

Touch. Smell. Vision.

Everything was more vibrant.

Colour’s appeared brighter.

Food would taste amazing.

Alcohol would taste like liquid gold.

Music would sound euphoric like your ears having an eargasm.

Everyone appeared more attractive.

I found people almost magnetic.

Socializing would give me a high.

I would dance uncontrollably to music.

I felt my real personality was coming out.

My self-esteem was much higher.

I would laugh at jokes sometimes uncontrollably.

I felt invincible.

However. Due to this feeling of invincibility.

I started to push the boat out more. Feeling more adventurous.

Dumb ideas seemed like good ideas.

I noticed I’d say and do things I wouldn’t normally do.

Friends would notice what I was saying and doing is not in a way the old version of myself would do.

I noticed these changes too. I didn't understand the new limits of my brain.

I started to realize that something felt off.

I don’t recognize myself:

I started to worry I had changed too much.

I then realized I needed a second opinion and needed to talk to my close friends and my GP about what I’ve been going through.

I needed to find out if people had experienced this on anti-depressants.

I told my friend what I was going through. I told her all these things and how I felt insanely amazing.

My friend replied. *In a surprised manner.

“Ok. You really must have an amazing reaction to anti-depressants?”

I replied: “Well yeah. Did you not feel this on them?”

Friend: “No not at all. I hated how I felt on them. I didn’t feel like myself. It shut everything down”

(There's a comedian named Taylor Tomlinson who has Bipolar 2. And she sums it up well in a comedy stand-up. Link here: https://youtu.be/47WXVTpnOyU?si=30vRQ_v22gVQiC0g)

I thought well maybe I’m just lucky and the medication is just good for me. And I’m special lol

At the time I didn’t know it but what I was feeling was called hypomania.

I just called them my amazing times of euphoria.

I started to realize what I was experiencing with anti-depressants was very different from the norm.

Yeah, I need help again.

Second visit to GP:

I booked an appointment to go back to my GP.

I told her all my symptoms and what I’d been going through.

I remember her jokingly saying:

“I haven’t had a patient who has come to me and is complaining about being too happy”

I laughed and said:

“I know it sounds stupid but it’s starting to ruin my life and I told her about my hypomanic feelings and episodes.

I told her I wanted to feel normal again.

Not too high not too low. I even drew a little picture for her. Just a ruler with depression at the bottom crazy happy at the top and normal in the middle. I then circled the normal part and said:

“I want to be here. But I’m here.”

Then circled the crazy happy part of the ruler.

(If the anti-depressants did one thing good it gave me clarity and awareness.)

She then said, “Yeah, that’s not normal behavior for someone on anti-depressants. It’s having too much of a strong effect on you

It seems like you have Bipolar.

The symptoms you describe now are high highs (Hypomania) and when you came during your depression you were extremely low”

(Just to put this into perspective. I was on the lowest dosage of anti-depressants. I was on 20mgs. And it was having this adverse effect on me. It was so strong that instead of taking the whole 20mgs my GP told me to bite half of the pill so I could ease off it.)

So she prescribed me Bipolar medication called Lamictal and referred me to a Psychiatrist.

(Lamictal is a Mood Stabilizer. Which isn’t like an anti-depressant. It helps more to regulate your emotions and feelings. So you’re not too hypomanic or depressed. But rather level)

(We didn’t need to do the medieval test for this one either. I'm unsure why. I guess because I’d say my life is fine and I’m Superman?)

Now I’m going through the titration period again but now on Bipolar medication. (The brain burning the same as when I was getting used to anti-depressants)

Which feels like going through another volcano. An almost bigger one than what I felt on the anti-depressants before.

I'm Bipolar?:

Because I’m now having to deal with being bipolar. It’s a daunting thought.

To think this mental illness was always in me. Just waiting to be released.

Like some fucking werewolf that only comes out when he’s older and his balls have dropped.

It was there during my depression. And now during my hypomania.

However, if anti-depressants taught me anything is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, having bipolar is scary because I don’t know its limits.

But il learn them.

Because well I don’t think I have a choice.

One silver lining is at least I’m aware of feeling hypomanic now. I know what it is. I can feel it coming sometimes and I know to just not do anything drastic or out of the ordinary.

But still enjoy what hypomania gives me like how music makes my ears gasm and how it makes me more chatty to the cashier. Higher self-esteem. Etc. etc. All those hypomanic feelings I mentioned before.

I also found solace in knowing a lot of people with Bipolar have used their hypomania as a creative outlet. People such as. Frida Kahlo, Van Gogh, Amy Winehouse. Just to name a few. And I guess mine is Writing?

Because this writing is during my hypomania (Extreme Happiness). My brain is constantly racing with ideas and thoughts. So I word vomit through writing.

I hope someone reading this can look at it and go. Well, he’s embraced his mental illness and turned it into a positive, maybe I can too.

In conclusion:

My advice for anyone is just to be aware of how your brain operates and why.

In my opinion is the key to a healthy life and good mental health.

Also, know that everyone's brains are wired differently. And a mental illness shouldn’t be seen as a negative. But rather seen as a positive. Fitting the societal mold of “Normal” is bullshit.

There is no Normal.

We are all different.

And if you are depressed. For the love of god. Don’t hold it in and suffer in silence. Loved ones would rather help than have to deal with the aftermath.

(You can even reach out to me. Il help because I’ve been through it.)

Tell people you trust. Tell a loved one. Tell your grandma. Anyone. See a doctor.

If I can do it. A fucking monkey can do it.

I’m not special at all.

I just knew I had to do something different or I most likely wouldn’t be writing this now.

Life is too short and if you have the means to get better then get help!

You can always make changes.

No matter how big they are.