Facing Mental Health and Insecurity in a Relationship

Drawing from personal experience -

After a decade-long relationship;

I wrote this to help better address and understand some of my challenges;

Specifically my insecurities and mental health. Which became a catalyst in the relationship and through this I’m now working on self-discovery and inner growth. Which I hope will ultimately make me a stronger and more fulfilled person, both within and outside of relationships.

I also hope anyone reading this can use my experience as a tool for learning. To help strengthen themselves and their relationship.

This is also my love letter to my past relationship.

A First-Nations couple at Waterhen River Saskatchewan, Canada — This is one of my favorite photos to look at. The rawness of the photo. – It almost has a Romeo and Juliet vibe to it. I wonder what they are saying to each other. Are they leaving one another? Or is he confessing his love to her? I guess we will never know. — But one thing is for sure throughout human history, the longing for love has always been, and will always be, a powerful force.

For me, the end of my relationship helped teach me the importance of prioritizing mental health, self-growth, and taking responsibility for actions in relationships.

If I had addressed those challenges earlier, I could have built a healthier and more fulfilling connection with myself and my relationship.

How beautiful Hindsight is.

To better explain;

I have to start at the beginning.

How we met

We were twenty-something, wide-eyed, naive, and full of life, we were part of a big friend group that would occasionally meet for parties. Amongst the laughter and parties, I noticed her. But I don’t think she noticed me She flatted with my best friend’s girlfriend at the time. Through my best friend, our paths would cross more often, leading to casual drinks and chats. One thing led to another, and we started dating. We developed a connection. She was filled with kindness, humour, and warmth.

Her authenticity was magnetic. I found her beautiful inside and out.

One memory I won’t forget.

I was helping her tidy her flat, and my young twenty-year-old monkey brain thought about how lucky I’d be if we were together.

I asked her nervously;

“Would you like to be exclusive? Just us, no seeing anyone else?”

She smiled

and replied;

“Yes, of course”

(It felt like my monkey brain discovering fire for the first time)

That moment will be engrained in my memory forever.

The best years of my life

Looking back, those first few years of the relationship were amazing and transformative for me.

Some of the most love-filled experiences. (If you experience this in your relationship. Hold on to it) We were both young, eager, and discovering the world together. She introduced me to new experiences Experiences I’ll never forget. She introduced me to her family, who welcomed me with open arms, especially her mum, who became a second mum and friend to me.

Her empathy was amazing, which made me see the world through different perspectives and have a deeper understanding of others. This, along with her support also helped fuel my career. Without that support for my career. I’m unsure what I would be doing. Without question;

During a difficult time, battling depression,

She saved my life.

Her love and compassion pulled me through that darkness. While our paths eventually diverged, the positive impact she had on my life will never leave me. She helped me become a more open-minded, empathetic, and resilient person, shaping who I am today.

I loved being silly and making her laugh

To me; It’s one of the most attractive aspects a human can experience because for me when the person you adore truly smiles and laughs. It’s like the world pauses. I thought this could very likely be the woman I marry.

And maybe start a family with.

The challenges of managing my depression began to significantly impact myself and my relationship.

In the early years of the relationship, we were both at the same level of understanding, connection, maturity, emotional maturity, emotional capacity, ambition, physical health, and mental health. However, as the years progressed. I could feel her starting to develop beyond me in these qualities. (You can only meet someone as far as you’ve met yourself.) To me, it felt like being stuck in quicksand. And the more I tried to release myself to meet her, the sand would strengthen. Keeping me stuck (The quicksand being my mental illness and insecurities.)

My depression to me felt like I was in a storm;

I didn’t know how I got in there. And I didn’t know how to get out. And I didn’t know when it would end. And sometimes I didn’t even realize I was in it. I couldn’t see out of the storm. Only inwards at myself. And no one, especially my partner could get me out of the storm. Only I could get myself out.

As my depression worsened, I struggled to engage in healthy social engagements and wanted to exclude myself from social settings. Especially with her friends and family.

I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms

and avoidance became my default. I would avoid any healthy confrontation. In fear of abandonment. I always felt exhausted, tired, and drained, and it started to show in my physical appearance. The emotional burden of my depression felt overwhelming, leading to self-isolation. I would wear a mask in social settings to appease her. I felt pressure to appear normal around her friends and family, which further strained my mental health and our relationship. The weight of sadness also kept me down, making my thoughts spiral with negativity. I began to believe my worth was tied to her, fearing she would leave me if I didn’t fulfill certain life goals. Through this, I became extremely

co-dependent.

My depression was misdiagnosed Bipolar along with my insecurities forced me to reevaluate my life and make a tough decision

It came to a crossroads -

With the help of anti-depressants, I was able to get out of the mental storm; However, the same person who entered the storm came out differently.

The storm was transformative. I experienced a metamorphosis.

I was in the storm Depressed.

And I ventured out with Bipolar.

At the initial onset of the medication, I was ignorant of Bipolar and the adverse effects hypomania was having on me.

Through hypomania, some experiences such as socializing and flirting would feel like I’m shooting up heroin;

It was an insanely challenging experience for me to go through and combined with my insecurities, it became a melting pot of ingredients that eventually contributed to the end of my relationship. And I don’t want to use it as the total excuse for my relationship ending. I take full responsibility for all my actions.

(I’m not perfect. And I don’t try to be. I also love and hate that I have such a massive conscious. I like to sleep freely at night)

I won’t mention what exactly happened. But it made me look at myself. Especially with the guilt I felt. And also potentially giving my ex-partner an insecurity. Which is hugely a regret of mine.

All I can do is take responsibility.

Also seriousness aside.

I’ve always been someone who has to make the mistake to learn the lesson. It’s like if someone told me not to touch that fire it will burn you. I would still touch the fire and get burnt. Then realize. Yes, don’t touch fire. I’ve always believed that making mistakes is a lesson in itself.

Anyway, due to this catalyst.

It has hit me with the realization that I need to focus on my insecurities and mental health, which feels like a harsh but honest wake-up call. (The writing has also helped me further understand the changes I have and still am experiencing.) But it’s time to look inward and begin that long journey. I used this as a learning experience. And it might seem harsh to say but I don’t think il find the answers to my questions in the same place I lost them. Through medication and the consequences of my actions. I have gained self-reflection self-awareness, and currently learning emotional capacity and I hope to use these new skills to gain a deeper understanding of myself.

After a decade-long relationship,

I now live alone.

The unfamiliarity of being alone does hurt.

I’m constantly having withdrawals from the love, the shared laughter, the comforting routines, the safe spaces, the warmth, the companionship, the “How was your day?” — and even the mediocrity – That relationships can bring. Sometimes, my body feels like it’s screaming out; Having withdraws From no longer dancing to love. However, being alone will give me space for self-growth, and going through adversity is a part of the human growth experience.

How I see relationships

To me;

Relationships are like a maze.

You enter the maze together. The path to the exit can seem precise and clear; Then the path can change instantly and it becomes confusing. Perspectives and perceptions can change. Some of the walls can become blurred and the rules you have set for yourselves in the maze can become bent. Each path of the maze is marked with individual expectations. Dead ends can lead to differing individual perspectives. Complexities in the maze can develop. It can make you scared. Unsure. Paranoid. Agitated The maze can make you dependent on each other. You will argue in the maze about the ideal course forward. You may get lost in the maze and become isolated from your partner. You may find other people.

You may find yourself.

You notice the journey is changing you. Aspects of the maze may lead you to take your path. Both of you may leave the maze together, stronger and more secure. This depends entirely on both of your aligned goals while you’re in the maze.

Which in itself can change or be individually misinterpreted

Relationships are hugely transformative.

My advice to anyone is;

Don’t take your partner for granted. Like I did.

Remember to be kind to yourself and prioritize your mental health.

(Because if you can’t meet yourself how do you expect to meet the person you love?)

With time, effort, and awareness, you can overcome challenges and find happiness in yourself and your relationship again. Your mental health should be paramount. Because if you can meet yourself and grow. It will in the end, greatly benefit your significant other and the most important person — yourself. If you feel you’re putting a strain on your relationship.

Talk to your significant other about it.

Conclusion

Now that I’m on my own;

I feel anxious, indifferent, sad, excited, and bittersweet.

Because life can be unexpected but I also think that’s the beauty of it. I recognize that the journey of my relationship has reached its end. I’m also fortunate that the medication has given me the awareness I needed to understand this. Without it, I would still have been stuck in quicksand or lost in the storm and still be co-dependent. Or worse.

Not being here now writing this.

I’d love for her to find someone who complements her growth and is at the same level of understanding.

And for me, this time is about self-discovery, self-growth, and self-love. So I can better understand myself. And I need to learn to be kinder to myself.

And lastly, lastly.

Don’t take your loved one or anything you have now, for granted.

Life is too short.